Only three and a half years later and I am finally getting a bedframe. When I move here, my landlords had an old bed I used for about 6 months. I finally ordered a new bed, but the boxspring wouldn't fit up the stairwell, so I have been sleeping with the mattress on the floor ever since. I finally ordered a platform bedframe. I am super excited to get it! It's very similar to the one I had in LA. Soon, I won't be sleeping on the floor. How sweet it will be!!
Carless for three full months in just a day. I have been really manic about car shopping and it came to a head Friday and Saturday. I finally have settled myself down and have concluded that I will get a car after payday in October. I might even get a new car. Part of me is a little hesitant about getting a new car living in the neighborhood I live in, but on the other hand, why not? The car I have my eye on is about the same price as the used cars I have been desiring. I have never had a new car before. We shall see. I still have a couple of weeks before winter arrives. Plenty of time.
September 29, 2008
September 21, 2008
Car stuff, sick and hope on the horizon
So I am still going through this car withdawl thing, two and a half months into it. I know I won't be able to last through winter. But there is hope. I got pre-approved. What that means is the world of car shopping is open to me (at least for the next 90 days). I can use it, or not. That's the beauty of it. I can use the maximum amount or not. I can get a junker or a new car. It makes me feel so much better just having that in my pocket, ready to go.
But I am still excited at times to not have a car. No parking worries. No payments in loans or insurance. No worries about theft. No gas price worries. I really like that. Plus, yesterday my friend Erika took me around on some much needed errands (laundry, groceries, movie, etc) and we had a great time. We go to the same laundromat so it worked out well for her to take me.
I have a cough and cold thing going on which is a bummer. Cough, cough, cough. Clear throat. Sniffle. Rinse, repeat. It's really annoying but over the counter meds don't do crap. Oh well, hopefully it will be over in a week and not two months like the last one.
I have also realized I need to get on the horn about dealing with my depression. It is affecting me mentally and physically. It's just too much of an effort to arrange to see a therapist/doctor without a car. I did find one who has an office within walking distance from my apartment, so maybe I should contact them?
Maybe I should.
But I am still excited at times to not have a car. No parking worries. No payments in loans or insurance. No worries about theft. No gas price worries. I really like that. Plus, yesterday my friend Erika took me around on some much needed errands (laundry, groceries, movie, etc) and we had a great time. We go to the same laundromat so it worked out well for her to take me.
I have a cough and cold thing going on which is a bummer. Cough, cough, cough. Clear throat. Sniffle. Rinse, repeat. It's really annoying but over the counter meds don't do crap. Oh well, hopefully it will be over in a week and not two months like the last one.
I have also realized I need to get on the horn about dealing with my depression. It is affecting me mentally and physically. It's just too much of an effort to arrange to see a therapist/doctor without a car. I did find one who has an office within walking distance from my apartment, so maybe I should contact them?
Maybe I should.
September 14, 2008
All About My Mother Part 4
NOTE: This is part 4 of a series about the last few hours of my mom's life. To read the first part, see the posting on 7/12/08 and the second part from 8/9/08, the third is on 9/14/08
January 10, 2008 - afternoon
We called hospice in to give Mom a bath to help her feel more comfortable. They put a clean nightgown and housecoat on her. She seemed more comfortable, more at peace. We continued holding her hands, stroking her arms and hair. Dad came in a couple of times and we gave them time to be alone.
At one point I was sitting alone with her and she started doing exactly what hospice told us she would do when it was close to the end. They told us that she would make a gutteral choking sound, which was just the body beginning to shut down. They said it wasn't painful for her, but would seem so. It really freaked me out and I ran out to tell the family.
We all gathered in the room and watched. After a few minutes it stopped. My cousin Mary Kaye, called to see how things were going. She wanted to speak with Mom. We put the phone by Mom's ear and Mary Kaye told her that she was sitting on her back porch waiting for Mom to stop by to visit when she passed over. Mom mumbled something and Mary Kaye asked us to call when it was over.
It was about 5:45 when the final stage that the hospice people told us would happen. They said the breathing would become more rapid, almost panting. We gave Mom some morphine in her mouth in case she was in pain. The panting began which was very hard to watch. Then she was still. We stood by the bed, holding hands, being together. We waited a a bit longer before calling the funeral home. Two men came in and with the help of Bob (and I think Dad) they took her away.
Strangely we went out to dinner a few hours later. It was weird. We were all feeling pretty numb. It was so good to be with the family. I slept in Bob's room that night. She was gone. My mother was dead. It's hard nine months later to write that.
January 10, 2008 - afternoon
We called hospice in to give Mom a bath to help her feel more comfortable. They put a clean nightgown and housecoat on her. She seemed more comfortable, more at peace. We continued holding her hands, stroking her arms and hair. Dad came in a couple of times and we gave them time to be alone.
At one point I was sitting alone with her and she started doing exactly what hospice told us she would do when it was close to the end. They told us that she would make a gutteral choking sound, which was just the body beginning to shut down. They said it wasn't painful for her, but would seem so. It really freaked me out and I ran out to tell the family.
We all gathered in the room and watched. After a few minutes it stopped. My cousin Mary Kaye, called to see how things were going. She wanted to speak with Mom. We put the phone by Mom's ear and Mary Kaye told her that she was sitting on her back porch waiting for Mom to stop by to visit when she passed over. Mom mumbled something and Mary Kaye asked us to call when it was over.
It was about 5:45 when the final stage that the hospice people told us would happen. They said the breathing would become more rapid, almost panting. We gave Mom some morphine in her mouth in case she was in pain. The panting began which was very hard to watch. Then she was still. We stood by the bed, holding hands, being together. We waited a a bit longer before calling the funeral home. Two men came in and with the help of Bob (and I think Dad) they took her away.
Strangely we went out to dinner a few hours later. It was weird. We were all feeling pretty numb. It was so good to be with the family. I slept in Bob's room that night. She was gone. My mother was dead. It's hard nine months later to write that.
All About My Mother Part 3
NOTE: This is part 3 of a series about the last few hours of my mom's life. To read the first part, see the posting on 7/12/08 and the second part from 8/9/08
January 9, 2008 - January 10, 2008
I think I slept about 3-4 hours the night of the 9th. It was a restless night and I didn't get much sleep. Bob and Merry both told me they stayed up with Mom. I think it was Merry who told me she and Mom sang a song from the penguin snowglobe Dad had given Mom for Christmas. I know Bob had some good moments speaking with Mom. No idea if Dad went in while I was sleeping. We kept encouraging him to go in, but I think he just couldn't deal. I drifted from her room to the office to the living room to Bob's room. Pretty numb. I found a box of things Mom had intended to give me for Christmas but wasn't well enough to mail out. There were all kinds of things in there that she thought I would like but weren't my style. We never really did see eye to eye on fashion, as I think fondly about that. There were cat pins, hair clips, clippings, gift cards and a few small Christmas decorations. I poked through the box in between the wandering from room to room and the time sitting with her.
January 10, 2008
In the morning with no thought of food or shower, I went in to be with Mom. When I was flying out to California, I had thought of a ton of questions I had wanted to ask her or find answers about. I didn't know what state she would be in, and I was hoping she would answer things. At the same time, I realized that it probably didn't matter. When I was actually there, none of that DID matter. If I didn't get answers to my childhood or how to bake this or fix that, it wasn't important. Just BEING in the moment was the most important thing I could do.
There were a few really funny and wonderful memorable moments -
Mom had lots of medicines from all the health issues over the years. And she never threw any of them away. At one point, I was looking through the rows and rows of meds that I had no clue about. I came across several expired bottles of Vicadin. I told Merry and she said her stepson said they could sell for $3 a pill on the streets. So at one point in the morning, Merry and I were sitting with Mom and told her that. I said "When this is all done, Merry and I are going to sell off your pills at the local high school." Mom, who hadn't spoken in hours said "Pay for your trip." That was so true to my mother's sense of humor. Merry and I had a good laugh with her.
Merry is my half sister. Mom gave her up for adoption when she was born. They reunited when I was in college. Later this afternoon, Merry and I found ourselves together with Mom again. I said,"Mom, there are some things I feel I should get off my chest and confess to you." I mentioned how I intentionally locked my brother out of the house when we were kids and when he would do that to me, I would have to pee so badly I would do it by the side of the house. I confessed that I tried smoking when I was roommates with Stephanie and Steve and tried it for three days. Then I asked both Merry and Mom if they had anything they'd like to confess and if Merry had been a naughty girl too. She confessed a couple of things Then Mom pointed out that she was the naughtiest of all (having had a baby "out of wedlock!"). In writing that moment down it may not seem all that funny, but it had the three of us in stitches, to the point of tears of laughter coming down.
Another sweet moment was when I was telling Mom how we all loved her so much. I started naming everybody who was at the house. I even mentioned Katu and Wiloughby as being (in their minds) the most important. She corrected me saying that they weren't, that Jesus was. She was confident in her faith, which was moving to see.
At this point, we were still giving her pain meds in about an ounce of water and that's it. Judy and Becky came in to talk with her for a bit, while the rest of us waited in the living room. The afternoon had come.
January 9, 2008 - January 10, 2008
I think I slept about 3-4 hours the night of the 9th. It was a restless night and I didn't get much sleep. Bob and Merry both told me they stayed up with Mom. I think it was Merry who told me she and Mom sang a song from the penguin snowglobe Dad had given Mom for Christmas. I know Bob had some good moments speaking with Mom. No idea if Dad went in while I was sleeping. We kept encouraging him to go in, but I think he just couldn't deal. I drifted from her room to the office to the living room to Bob's room. Pretty numb. I found a box of things Mom had intended to give me for Christmas but wasn't well enough to mail out. There were all kinds of things in there that she thought I would like but weren't my style. We never really did see eye to eye on fashion, as I think fondly about that. There were cat pins, hair clips, clippings, gift cards and a few small Christmas decorations. I poked through the box in between the wandering from room to room and the time sitting with her.
January 10, 2008
In the morning with no thought of food or shower, I went in to be with Mom. When I was flying out to California, I had thought of a ton of questions I had wanted to ask her or find answers about. I didn't know what state she would be in, and I was hoping she would answer things. At the same time, I realized that it probably didn't matter. When I was actually there, none of that DID matter. If I didn't get answers to my childhood or how to bake this or fix that, it wasn't important. Just BEING in the moment was the most important thing I could do.
There were a few really funny and wonderful memorable moments -
Mom had lots of medicines from all the health issues over the years. And she never threw any of them away. At one point, I was looking through the rows and rows of meds that I had no clue about. I came across several expired bottles of Vicadin. I told Merry and she said her stepson said they could sell for $3 a pill on the streets. So at one point in the morning, Merry and I were sitting with Mom and told her that. I said "When this is all done, Merry and I are going to sell off your pills at the local high school." Mom, who hadn't spoken in hours said "Pay for your trip." That was so true to my mother's sense of humor. Merry and I had a good laugh with her.
Merry is my half sister. Mom gave her up for adoption when she was born. They reunited when I was in college. Later this afternoon, Merry and I found ourselves together with Mom again. I said,"Mom, there are some things I feel I should get off my chest and confess to you." I mentioned how I intentionally locked my brother out of the house when we were kids and when he would do that to me, I would have to pee so badly I would do it by the side of the house. I confessed that I tried smoking when I was roommates with Stephanie and Steve and tried it for three days. Then I asked both Merry and Mom if they had anything they'd like to confess and if Merry had been a naughty girl too. She confessed a couple of things Then Mom pointed out that she was the naughtiest of all (having had a baby "out of wedlock!"). In writing that moment down it may not seem all that funny, but it had the three of us in stitches, to the point of tears of laughter coming down.
Another sweet moment was when I was telling Mom how we all loved her so much. I started naming everybody who was at the house. I even mentioned Katu and Wiloughby as being (in their minds) the most important. She corrected me saying that they weren't, that Jesus was. She was confident in her faith, which was moving to see.
At this point, we were still giving her pain meds in about an ounce of water and that's it. Judy and Becky came in to talk with her for a bit, while the rest of us waited in the living room. The afternoon had come.
September 07, 2008
Messy room, messy mind
This weekend I did go out and have some fun. I went to support Company X at a wiffleball charity tournament. That was a blast. (Photos to follow).
But the rest of the time I have spent being depressed. So many reasons for it ranging from missing my mother to not excercising. A large chunk of it has to do with my freaking messy room. It's a disaster. So clean it! I am too depressed to, lame as it sounds. So it won't fix itself. I think back to when Merry and I cleaned up Mom's room with gusto. Maybe if I clean my place with the mindset that I am cleaning up a dead person's apartment, I would be more inspired to clean. Make no mistake that I am wishing I was dead. Just wishing I could magically clean my room like Samantha on "Bewitched". Wrinkle my nose and - BAM the house is clean. Part of my lack of motivation to clean is with the exception of actual trash, I have no place to dump the stuff I don't want. Other reasons for depression - I am tired of not having a car on the weekend. I really hope the car sharing program that is starting up soon helps alieviate this pain. I want to be able to go out and meet up with friends. I want to be able to jump in my car and go to the movies, shopping or to take a nice drive. I am still glad to not have a car payment, insurance or pay for gas. Really I am.
I am really feeling like crap and might just go to bed. Yes, it's almost 7pm.
But the rest of the time I have spent being depressed. So many reasons for it ranging from missing my mother to not excercising. A large chunk of it has to do with my freaking messy room. It's a disaster. So clean it! I am too depressed to, lame as it sounds. So it won't fix itself. I think back to when Merry and I cleaned up Mom's room with gusto. Maybe if I clean my place with the mindset that I am cleaning up a dead person's apartment, I would be more inspired to clean. Make no mistake that I am wishing I was dead. Just wishing I could magically clean my room like Samantha on "Bewitched". Wrinkle my nose and - BAM the house is clean. Part of my lack of motivation to clean is with the exception of actual trash, I have no place to dump the stuff I don't want. Other reasons for depression - I am tired of not having a car on the weekend. I really hope the car sharing program that is starting up soon helps alieviate this pain. I want to be able to go out and meet up with friends. I want to be able to jump in my car and go to the movies, shopping or to take a nice drive. I am still glad to not have a car payment, insurance or pay for gas. Really I am.
I am really feeling like crap and might just go to bed. Yes, it's almost 7pm.
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